Coping with your Emotions

Originally published on: April 6th, 2017. Last modified on September 9th, 2021

Understanding why incontinence affects you emotionally can help you learn to feel better about yourself, to tackle your bladder or bowel problem more positively, and to relate to those close to you more easily.

Am I the only person with this problem?

Let’s answer that one quickly and certainly. No, You are not the only person with this condition. Bladder and bowel problems and incontinence are very rarely discussed and so it is easy to feel that you are.

Yet statistics show that you are likely to know others with similar problems – and who also probably think they are alone. Those who confide in friends or family normally find that their problem is accepted in a sympathetic and matter-of-fact way and also that very often the person they are confiding in knows of someone else who has a similar problem. Immediately they feel not quite so alone.

In a survey by HARTMANN, only one in five women affected seek help for incontinence issues, and 59% of people said they wished society was more open about urinary incontinence

Will everybody know that I have a continence problem?

You may be worried that others will notice that you are wearing a pad or a leg bag or continence device, or that your incontinence causes an odour that others will notice. This is rarely the case. Others will not notice the slight bulge that a pad, leg bag or device sometimes causes for the simple reason that they are not looking for it. As well as this, most are far too caught up in their own thoughts and conversation to notice such things!

Ask yourself this; before you developed a bladder or bowel problem did you ever notice anyone else wearing incontinence aids? Probably not!

Urinary incontinence should not cause a problem with odour. Urine should not smell strongly when it is fresh. Wash well daily and change wet pads or clothing frequently to prevent odours from occurring. Faecal incontinence causes more of a problem but with proper protection, good personal hygiene and changing promptly after a leakage many problems can be avoided. It helps to have a shower with a removable head, or a bidet, so you can comfortably get plenty of clean water to the area. If you are out and about, take a ‘cleanup kit’ along with your spare pads and clothes – large wipes, body lotion, and sealable disposal bags.

Will others think less of me if they know about my problem?

It may be useful to turn that question around and to ask yourself whether you would think less of any of your friends if they became incontinent. Imagine that it is a friend or family member who has this problem: you would want to do anything you could to help – and you would probably hate to think that they may have been hiding such a problem from you out of shame or embarrassment.

Sharing your problem

Incontinence is an embarrassing problem and you may want to keep it a secret but by doing so you are cutting yourself off from the support of family and friend’s that you would call on when you have any other problem. For some people, keeping their bladder or bowel problems a secret can become so important that they end up not going out and not having visitors – cutting themselves off from those they love most.

Sharing your problem with close family or friends means that they will understand better why your behaviour may have changed recently and it will enable them to help when they can. Remember that people want to help those that they are close to. Often the help they can offer is simply being there for you, being willing to listen and able to understand when you are unhappy or frustrated. Telling a few close friends or relatives about your problem can make things easier in other ways. Because they know about your problem they will understand when you have to go to a toilet frequently or when you take slightly longer than you used to – they can help you to plan for this and can ‘cover up’ for you.

Help is available in our Community

Join the Bladder & Bowel Community Closed Facebook Group and chat with those who understand what you are going through. Sharing your experiences with someone in the same situation can be a valuable lifeline. Our group is available 24 hours and moderated as closely as possible to allow a reassuring, supportive space for discussion. Feel free to start your own topic or follow another topic of interest.

Taking control

Once you have decided who to tell, plan when and where to meet and what you are going to say. You will have to explain the nature of your problem and why it has happened and discuss how it affects you. Think about how much you want to tell each person: you are still entitled to your privacy. Think about how the person you are talking to might be able to help and tell them.
Just as it is important to share your problems and receive the support of others, it is not essential to tell anyone and everyone. Choose carefully who you want to share this part of your life with.

Taking this approach can help to put you in charge of your incontinence, rather than it being in control of you.

Being armed with the right tools and equipment can help you feel in control of your condition and boost your confidence in the process.

If leaving the house causes you to feel stressed and anxious having quick and easy access to accessible toilets could help alleviate any fears. B&BC provide a Just Can’t Wait toilet card, which may help you to gain access to a toilet when out shopping and socialising. The card states that the cardholder has a medical condition, which requires urgent need of a toilet. Please visit our toilet card section for more information on obtaining a card.

It is also ok for you to use disabled toilets. They have more space for you to change, and often have disposal facilities. Some are operated under the National Key Scheme organized by RADAR. A special key can be bought from RADAR, please visit the Disability Rights UK website for more information.

We offer a discreet and personal Home Delivery Service for all bladder and bowel products, equipment and devices. As an independent service we can advise you on the best products for your needs from all major suppliers – including samples where appropriate. If you sign up to our Home Delivery Service we can also provide clinical support through our nursing team or in house pharmacist, to help you navigate your care plan effectively. Please visit the Home Delivery Service section for more information.

Why does incontinence affect us so deeply?

Even though it is remarkably common, incontinence itself is a taboo subject. It is associated with infancy or with the loss of faculties, which can sometimes accompany old age. As such it is often unhelpfully regarded either as a subject for cruel jokes or as shameful or degrading. Few people can remember actually being potty-trained as children, but the importance of becoming ‘dry’ and ‘clean’ and ‘grown up’ is impressed upon us at that time and remains with us.

Most people will remember the reaction of other children to anyone who ‘had an accident’ at school or who was known to wet the bed. Some people remember better than others because they were the ones being laughed at or teased by the others. All these things stay with us right into adulthood. The importance placed on becoming dry, not having accidents and not wetting the bed in childhood can cause problems later in life. When any of us becomes incontinent even to the slightest degree we can immediately become embarrassed, even ashamed.

Another reason for the taboo, which surrounds incontinence, is that it involves the genital area. This means that it gets mixed up with taboos, which surround the sexual organs, especially amongst older generations.

What can be done?

Remember you are not alone. Do not worry that others will think less of you because you have a bladder or bowel problem. Imagine that it is a friend or relative who has the problem rather than you: ask yourself whether you would think less of them, or whether you would want to support them.

Consider sharing your problem: do not push away from you those who would want to help.